What parents say and how they say it affects how children will react to the news of their parents’ separation. Where and when you tell your children are all factors that need to be considered.

In an effort to help parents, there are things parents need to be aware of in helping children to cope. How parents tell their children will set the emotional tone for the future. Parents need to put the child’s needs above their own. Your job is to help your child with their feelings and not to color it with your own feelings. Your ex may not have been a good partner, but may be a good parent. At this point that is what is important. Your child needs to have a loving, supportive relationship with both parents. It is your responsibility to encourage this and to protect and comfort your child. The words you use should be age appropriate, your tone supportive and empathetic. This is your choice to separate, not your child’s. She/he needs your love and support to cope.

The following guidelines will help you to proceed in the right direction.

Be Prepared:

It is best when parents can put their own feelings aside and present as a united front, even if one parent wants the separation and the other one does not. When parents tell the children together there is only one story. They are coming together as a family and the child will have the opportunity to talk to both parents and ask questions so everyone hears the same version of the story. This is also an opportunity to provide comfort and reassurance to the children. Your role as a spouse may be ending but not your role as a parent.

Pick a time and place when everyone can come together with no distractions and no one is rushing off to another appointment. Parents can tell the children there is going to be a family meeting. The best time is usually over the weekend so the child has time to digest what was said and to seek reassurance he/she is loved and will be okay. The parents should talk in an age appropriate manner and it is better to use the word separation as opposed to divorce, as it is more descriptive.

The parent that is moving out, should have already made new living arrangements so the children know where that parent will be, how to get in touch with the parent, and where they are going to go when they stay with that parent.

What to say:

When parents tell there children together it is a good idea for them to discuss what they are going to say and to take turns speaking so the children come away with the feeling that this was a mutual decision and that neither of the parents are more in charge or more responsible for the separation than the other one. Finger pointing and blame has no place in these discussions.

How you present will speak louder than words. Parents need to be caring with their children’s feelings having priority over their own feelings. They need to be composed and positive so they can reassure their children that as a family they are changing but the love for them is not.

If a parent presents as withdrawn, depressed and does not speak, the message is given to the children that the other parent is bad and hurtful. The child may feel they have to come to the defense of the “hurt” parent. This sets the child to take care of you rather than you taking care of the child. The child will be denied expression of her/his emotions and parent the parent pretending to be stronger then they are. This role reversal is emotionally damaging to your child.

Start off by telling your children (Mom/Dad) and I love you very much and we will both always be here for you whenever you need or want us. There are going to be some changes in our family.

Your (mother/father) and I have made some mistakes in our marriage. We have problems that we have tried to solve but we have not been able to do that. We have been making each other sad by living together. We have been fighting and we don’t want to do that anymore.

In order to change this, we are going to make some changes in how we live and do things. We have decided to separate. We are still a family but our living situation will be different. At that point you can explain who will be staying in the current residence and where the other parent will be going.

Be sure to let the children know that they will have time with both parents and that you love them.

Be clear that the separation has nothing to do with them, they neither caused it nor can they stop it.

Be clear that you and your spouse are separating and not the parent and the child. You will always love them.

Apologize to your children, “We are both very sorry that even though these problems are between us, they will mean some changes for you as well. We want you to know that these changes are not happening because of anything you have done or said. It’s our fault only and we are very sorry”. Again reassure them that you will always love them.

Before hand the living situation should have been discussed with the spouse so you can tell the children what the new living situation will be. If there is a custody dispute, tell the children these are the current arrangements while you are trying to find the best living situation for them.

Assure your children that they will still have a relationship with the parent that is moving out and be as specific as possible as to when the children will spend time with that parent.

One parent telling the children:

If the other parent is too angry, resistant or hostile or refuses to do it together, the parent is probably better off doing it alone. Use the same explanations as if it was being presented together. The parent telling the children needs to remember two things:

Not to speak for the other parent and not to speak about the other parent.

Open it up to discussion and questions:

Don’t give specific reasons for the separation – this comes across as blaming the other parent. Make general statements:

The only reason for the separation is that we have been unable to work out our adult problems. Assure them over and over that you will always love them and in no way was it anything that they did that caused the separation.

Reassure the child it has nothing to do with them, how you feel about them, anything they did or didn’t do. This is an adult decision. There is nothing you did and there is nothing you can do to change it. One thing they have to know is that loving them will never change. Release them from the burden and responsibility.

Children crave love and attention. Be genuine. Apologize that it didn’t work out. Take responsibility and don’t blame the other parent. Let them know you will work to make things better. There is going to be an adjustment period but everything will be okay.

When the child vents a feeling or asks a question, you need to make sure the child feels heard and not to respond defensively.

Examples of what to say:

“I understand you feel sad/angry about _______”. Shows you heard them.
“I’m sure this must be hard for you to_________. I’m sure most kids would feel the same way”. Shows empathy and lets them know how they are feeling is not unusual.

“ Whenever you’d like to talk, just let me know. I’m always here for you. The parent may want to give a time that they will be less distracted, e.g. after dinner. Encourage further discussion by making yourself available.

If you don’t have the answers say, “I understand you have lots of questions but right know I don’t know the answers”. It is okay to take it in steps rather than telling them something that is not true or may not happen.

Parents need to initiate conversation if the child does not bring up their feelings. Parents need to know how their children will react so they can be there for them. Often times the guilt the parent is feeling does not allow them to see what is happening. Parents need to put themselves in the child’s shoes, hear them and mirror back the feeling as opposed to making it go away. This is a mourning period, there is a sense of loss that needs to be attended to and not dismissed. Children often won’t discuss feelings because they don’t want to burden the parent. If the parent is overwhelmed a surrogate parent – adult friend, relative or therapist should be part of the healing process.

It’s important for the children to know that you are still a family but it is a different family then the one it used to be. Try to keep some of the old family traditions as well as making new family traditions e.g. pizza night, movie night, game night, etc.

It is parental conflict, not divorce, that places children at risk. In fact, children from intact families with high conflict fare no better in than those children whose parents are divorced.

The child needs to understand that his/her relationship with each parent is separate from his her parents’ relationship with each other.

We help our children move on not by ignoring their pain but by helping them express it; not by diminishing their problems but by helping them find solutions or, if that’s not possible, resolution. Some of the problems divorce presents have no solutions, and our job as parents is to help children cope.

Renée A. Cohen, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice. Her offices are in West Los Angeles (Brentwood) and Hermosa Beach.  She specializes in Child Custody Evaluations: Full Evaluations; Solution Focused; and Brief Assessments; as well as mediation and counseling with adults and children of divorce.  Dr. Cohen is also a Parenting Plan Coordinator (Special Master) and is trained in working in high conflict situations. She is listed on the Superior Court Lists as both an Evaluator and as a Counselor.

Dr. Cohen has worked with parents and children on a multitude of levels. She is a former teacher and school psychologist and has a specialty in working with children who have special needs. Her postdoctoral training was at Reiss-Davis Child Study Center. She has over 25 years of experience and specializes in clinical and forensic psychology.
For more information, please contact Dr. Cohen (310) 828-1027 or visit her website:
racphd.com