What parents say and how they say it affects how children will react to the news of their parents’ separation. Where and when you tell your children are all factors that need to be considered.

If the parents keep it short and sweet without opening it up to discussion so the child can ask questions, it sends the message that the children’s feelings are not important. On the other hand, if parents are overly detailed their children will go on overload. Too much information gives children details they do not need to know and may actually bring them into the divorce and burden them with feelings of guilt, conflicting loyalty and fear.

How parents tell their children will set the emotional tone for the future. In addition to being the bearer of bad news, this is also the time for the parents to put their personal feelings aside and remember as a parent it is his/her job to protect and comfort the child.

The child is not at fault for the separation. Nothing the child did, thought felt or said contributed to the separation.

“Your mother/father and I made mistakes and hurt each other. It is totally our own fault that we can’t live together anymore. Nothing you said or did has anything to do with our decision to separate. We love you very much”.

“Your mother/father and I made many mistakes in our marriage. We tried hard to make it work but we hurt each other too much. This is our fault and has nothing to do with you or anything you said or did. We love you very much”.

“I’m so sorry it seems Dad/Mom and I can’t be a couple, we make each other too sad. It has nothing to do with you. We love you very much”.

The child wishes the parents will get back together and this needs to be addressed so he/she knows this is a final decision.

“We know this is difficult for you and you would like to see us get back together. We tried really hard to stay together but it is not going to work. Just because we decided to separate, it doesn’t mean that we expect you to like it. However, this is a decision we feel is best for our family. We thought this over very carefully and no one can bring us back together again”.

“You didn’t make us separate and you can’t bring us back together. This is a decision we made. The way it is now is how it is going to be”.

“We will still be a family but it will be a different family. What won’t change is how much we love you”.

Reassure the child they will have contact with the other parent.

“You will be able to see and talk to both of us”. If there is a parenting plan in place discuss this with the child.

Reassure the child that you will be available.

“We will always love and take care of you. We will always be here for you”.

Deal with the feelings; don’t let guilt get in the way.

“This may be difficult for you. You can always talk to us (or parent surrogate – family friend or relative). It’s okay to feel sad or angry about the separation. Talking about it often makes you feel better”. Help them heal with love and connection. The feelings must be given expression.

Validate:

Validating is saying, “I can see how you would feel that way”; “I can understand that”, “That makes sense to me because ______________”.

Empathize:

“It can be tough getting used to the change. Mom/Dad and I will do all we can to help you”.

“That must make you feel________________”. Name a feeling, one word not a phrase.

Younger children, especially need a lot of physical contact and cuddling. If the parent is unable to handle the situation this is a good time to recommend that the parent and/or the child be in therapy. The earlier the professional intervention, the better the adjustment. Refer to someone who has experience working with children and divorce.

Divorce doesn’t traumatize children conflict and feeling alone is what traumatizes them.

When children talk, listen for the feeling. Validate the feeling. Assume the feeling.

“It sounds like you feel ___________”.

Apologize to the children:

“We (I) made mistakes. I’m sorry we (I) hurt you. We (I) know you are angry and we (I) understand”.

Assure the children the fighting is over. It is the parents’ responsibility and obligation not to fight in front of their children. Children need to see things calm. If there is fighting they feel guilty and blamed. They start to have a sense of shame.

Parents should not “lean” on their children. Parents take care of children; children DON’T take care of parents. If parents rely on their children, they have not only taken the original family away but also their childhood. Don’t share pain and anger with the children about your spouse.

Do not criticize the other parent. Criticizing the parent is criticizing the child’s DNA. If the child hears bad things and still loves the other parent they have been put in a position of betrayal, disloyalty. They have been put in the middle. They also know they are part of that parent, which means that they are “bad” too and a sense of shame is created.

It is important for the child to give expression to the feelings, and for the parent to understand – put yourself in their shoes. Don’t be defensive. This is about your child not you – listen to their anger and sadness, don’t share yours. Encourage discussion. It is often easier to talk when you are doing something together, an activity.

Renée A. Cohen, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice. Her offices are in West Los Angeles (Brentwood) and Hermosa Beach.  She specializes in Child Custody Evaluations: Full Evaluations; Solution Focused; and Brief Assessments; as well as mediation and counseling with adults and children of divorce.  Dr. Cohen is also a Parenting Plan Coordinator (Special Master) and is trained in working in high conflict situations. She is listed on the Superior Court Lists as both an Evaluator and as a Counselor.

Dr. Cohen has worked with parents and children on a multitude of levels. She is a former teacher and school psychologist and has a specialty in working with children who have special needs. Her postdoctoral training was at Reiss-Davis Child Study Center. She has over 25 years of experience and specializes in clinical and forensic psychology.
For more information, please contact Dr. Cohen (310) 828-1027 or visit her website:
racphd.com