Divorce is undoubtedly one of the greatest stresses a human being can experience.  It is second only to the distress suffered from the loss of a loved one through death.  Research shows that while divorce is a single, if traumatic, personal decision to adults, it is a wrenching series of crises for their children: one that differs depending on their age and sex; one that changes as new stages of their development open new worlds to them; one that includes "sleeper effects" that may crop up years after the actual separation. 

When divorce strikes, the process of disassembling a family places tremendous demands on the marital partners and they crave some structure as a guide to dealing with the intense emotional reactions and the uncertainties that divorce causes.  Divorce sets up circumstances that are so disorganizing that everyone subjected to it feels overwhelmed and wonders how he or she can make it through.  Almost everything in their life that has been stable now must be reorganized.  This uncertainty leaves them in a state of chronic anxiety.  The periodic attacks of panic they feel result from the unpredictability of their life, and the intensity of these feelings confirm the fact that this may be one of the most traumatic experiences they have ever encountered.  But the people who take it hardest are the children: they didn't pick the marriage; they have no say in the divorce; and all too often their parents-with the best of intentions-find it impossible to understand what divorce means to them.

For more than twenty years I have worked with children and adults who have difficulties coping with life situations.  Divorce is often the crisis that brought them to me.  With the growing awareness and sensitivity to the pain divorce can inflict, it is important that attorneys seek out the professional help of a mental health professional at an early stage of the divorce process.  Those of us trained in child development and family crisis can help make the transition smoother for all parties involved. 

Parents are so overwhelmed with the changes and their feelings that they are frequently unavailable or unable to deal with their children's feelings. Intervention by a child counselor would provide a person and place for the child.  Someone and somewhere the child could go to deal with his(er) anger and work through the fear and anxiety of separation, rejection and abandonment. The child doesn’t have to protect the counselor’s feelings as they would their parent’s feelings and can be open and honest.

During the divorce process, we see good people at their worst.  For the parents, counseling helps to facilitate the parents’ adjustment to the changing situation and to help them cope with the feelings of anger, loss and depression.  Their role as spouse is ending while their role as parent continues.  Parents can benefit from the structure that counseling provides to help them deal with their intense emotional feelings.  Counseling should address parenting issues, which helps the parent to deal with and understand their children's reactions, as well as their own feelings so they can better separate out what is a parenting issue and what is an emotional issue for them.  The better prepared the parents are to deal with the divorce; the better the children will adjust to the situation.  There are also divorce groups for parents, which offer a support system that enables them to share feelings and ideas that facilitates adjustment.

The courts are becoming more sensitive to the highly charged child-related issues.  When working on a custody and visitation plan, instead of the more traditional adversarial contest between opposing lawyers who are determined to "win" custody cases for their clients, there is mediation. The goal of mediation is to resolve conflict through a process, which promotes cooperation, reduces tensions and lessens the psychological distress that accompanies divorce.   The purpose of the mediated custody/visitation plan is cooperation and negotiation between the parents to determine, what is in the best interest of the children.  I've worked with several attorneys who have been more than happy 'to pass' on the child-related issues, especially when it involved school related problems.  One attorney stated, "The custody part drives me crazy."   Attorneys practicing family law, for the most part, have little if any training in psychology and child development. 

Child-related issues can more effectively and economically resolved using a psychologist who is trained as a mediator. A psychologist can often make the attorney's work easier and more cost effective.  The role of psychologist as mediator is not the same role as the counselor.  The counselor deals with feelings, the mediator deals with solutions.  A psychologist, trained in mediation, can often achieve remarkable results even in emotionally charged situations where the parties have difficulty communicating with each other.  

However, even the most skilled attorney and psychologist cannot prevent disaster if one or both parents cannot refrain from using the children as hostages in an emotional war.  The child-related issues can escalate into a major focus of litigation. When this happens, a Child Custody Evaluation may become necessary.

A Child Custody Evaluation should be comprehensive, emphasizing the needs of the child(ren).  Realizing how traumatic divorce can be for all the parties involved, the evaluator needs to work in an expedient manner in order to minimize any additional stress or time delays.  A good custody evaluation also needs to take into consideration the future developmental and emotional needs of the child.  Although we know there will be change, it is difficult to predict the future.  That's why issues related to visitation should be fine tuned at least every two years and definitely when the child's activities and needs begin to change as quickly as his (her)shoe size.   A mediator can facilitate the changes quickly, cost effectively and without bringing the children into the litigation arena.

A childless marriage that ends in divorce involves only the two people who made the commitment to each other.  When there are children, however, the divorce is qualitatively different.  The parents must always keep the concerns of their children paramount.  When a divorce takes place in a marriage that includes children, it requires intelligence and compassion to help structure an existence for the children that protects their integrity and psychological well-being.  The purpose of this paper is to sensitize the attorney to the traumatic human issues that are at the very heart of divorce and to realize that(s)he is in a unique position to recommend a psychologist as a counselor/mediator to help family members deal with the emotional upheaval.

Renée A. Cohen, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice. Her offices are in West Los Angeles (Brentwood) and Hermosa Beach.  She specializes in Child Custody Evaluations: Full Evaluations,; Solution Focused; and Brief Assessments; as well as mediation and counseling with adults and children of divorce.  Dr. Cohen is also a Parenting Plan Coordinator (Special Master) and is trained in working in high conflict situations. She is listed on the Superior Court Lists as both an Evaluator and as a Counselor.

Dr. Cohen has worked with parents and children on a multitude of levels. She is a former teacher and school psychologist and has a specialty in working with children who have special needs. Her postdoctoral training was at Reiss-Davis Child Study Center. She has over 25 years of experience and specializes in clinical and forensic psychology. For more information, please contact Dr. Cohen (310) 828-1027 or visit her website: racphd.com